Graduating and What I Have Learnt About Myself In Lockdown

So I graduated Falmouth University with an Upper 2:1 - 68 to be exact that's right, SHE DID THAT!!

For my final project I got a first with 73% during a global pandemic which I am so over the moon with it's quite insane. However, the pandemic has stopped me from elevating into my masters degree this year so I have decided to defer and save as much money as possible. I didn't really plan to do this as my heart was set on Bristol but I think it's the right decision and I have an end goal at the end of the day, it might just take me slightly longer to achieve it. 

Lockdown for most has been a time to reflect and I have definitely done this. I have learnt more about myself during this lockdown than I have in years and I am thankful. When I came home at the start of quarantine I was faced with an upsetting/disappointing situation that to be honest I knew was coming but the thing is I suffered with it. I recently read a chapter in ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck’ by Mark Manson that explained the value of suffering. He asks “Why am I suffering and for what purpose?” this was always in the back of my mind but the value of suffering overpowered my need to stop. The value for success and holding on to what little hope was left made suffering endurable and desirable to me. The only thing I regret during that situation is that I did not force myself out of that suffering however, I can hold my head high and say at no point in time was I the problem, it just didn't work out and that's okay. 

I have also realised how much influence my phone, social media and people have over my life. I started to leave my phone upstairs while I was doing my project and the need to go on it lessened, your phone is definitely an addiction and in previous past experiences, the desire to consume my phone was overwhelming to my body. Now, I do not need it. I was so upset with seeing size four model looking influencers glorifying the lockdown I started to become depressed because I was not applying to the social dominant ideologies but honestly, FUCK THAT. I now comprehend the importance of being in the conversation, listening to others and appreciating my time with people not being on my phone constantly. I watched a show on Netflix called ‘The Midnight Gospel’ which I highly recommend. In episode four, ‘Blinded By The End’ the main character is explaining the importance of listening and tells a story about how he was at a party talking to a man about synths and them both clearly not listening or being interested by one another's conversation. That next week, the man died in a car accident and the main character explained how he felt devastated that his final moments in life were wasted by that conversation. This really hit me, if you are with someone after this pandemic, absorb them, be in the moment with them and get off your phone. 
​
Men. This is such a running element in my love life and I do not think it will stop. My mind has been poisoned to believe that I constantly need a man in my life to fuel my need for attention and my confidence. I thought in this lockdown I would be devastated not to receive male attention but to be honest, I do not want it. Picture some scales, the disappointment of the actions I have experienced previously by the men I have been with majorly outweigh the need for love. I was sitting with my friends the other day and they were explaining their lockdown lovers, they each took it in turns to express their excitement towards their situation. The question came to me and I replied “I do not need a man to feel validated” this was not an attack on them, I just really don't. The validation needs to come from yourself and a man, well that's an added bonus. I never thought in my life I would feel comfortable without men but I have finally got to that point with just having fun being single and choosing to have a battle with love when I am ready for it. 

As this is such a weird time in our lives, we need to keep safe and look after one another. I can come out of this lockdown feeling mature, confident, with a degree and no man and that's okay with me. But until then, let's talk about it and keep talking to one another.