ARTICLES WITH A PERSONAL TWIST
 Let's make this clear from the get go, I am not talking about height here (I literally just got out of a car seat and my boss thinks I just did my A levels big yikes) I am talking about the comprehension of who you are mentally. The importance of understanding self growth is that I am not the person I was five minutes ago or years into the past at that. We are all constantly adapting, learning and evolving in our surroundings which impacts the notion of self growth. To believe there is no room for improvement to your own wellbeing is a horrific facade and boo I am sorry to say, but you are lying to yourself.
Self growth could literally be the smallest of situations for example, blocked your ex? Self growth! Going to bed on time? Self growth! Adapting to new surroundings that may have given you anxiety in the past? Self growth! Realising you don’t need to validate anyone but yourself? Self growth! Repeat after me… SELF GROWTH! We really love to see it. The only reason why you may feel you have not had self growth in the past is because self growth does not materialise from comfort, it feeds off your sour fears. You have to step out of your bubble and accept the gruesome reality of life to recognise the true meaning of self growth. It takes time to allow your energy to embellish vulnerability but the results are sensational when you do. I have encountered a mysterious situation that has enhanced its way out of the pandemic causing me to come to terms with my own personal journey with self growth. I only realised when I was staring into my past trauma’s soul how much a few years can change your mindset drastically. I did not believe for a minute that I would ever speak to this person in my life again and yet, here they are. I truly believe this person has surged conspicuously to try and test me and they absolutely have. My trust issues in men spanned from one house and a few days ago I had the opportunity to return five years later. As I reached for the door handle, my heart was racing and my hands were shaking but then I thought NO! Self growth. Yes, this house will forever be overshadowed by pain, my need for reassurance buckled forever by this one incident and the fact the sixteen year old me went through horrendous heartbreak and betrayal but i’m twenty one, older, wiser and someone sixteen year old me would want to be. THAT is self growth, so I unlatched the door and stepped in. Self growth is profoundly intense, empowering the correct energy to consume your whole soul and not letting toxic elements seep into yourself like poison is of importance for the balance of self growth to remain positive. It is vastly comprehending in yourself what or who you believe is vivaciously valuable towards the notion of growth. However until then, Work on yourself, discover self growth, oh and let's keep talking about it.
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 So I graduated Falmouth University with an Upper 2:1 - 68 to be exact that's right, SHE DID THAT!! For my final project I got a first with 73% during a global pandemic which I am so over the moon with it's quite insane. However, the pandemic has stopped me from elevating into my masters degree this year so I have decided to defer and save as much money as possible. I didn't really plan to do this as my heart was set on Bristol but I think it's the right decision and I have an end goal at the end of the day, it might just take me slightly longer to achieve it. Lockdown for most has been a time to reflect and I have definitely done this. I have learnt more about myself during this lockdown than I have in years and I am thankful. When I came home at the start of quarantine I was faced with an upsetting/disappointing situation that to be honest I knew was coming but the thing is I suffered with it. I recently read a chapter in ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck’ by Mark Manson that explained the value of suffering. He asks “Why am I suffering and for what purpose?” this was always in the back of my mind but the value of suffering overpowered my need to stop. The value for success and holding on to what little hope was left made suffering endurable and desirable to me. The only thing I regret during that situation is that I did not force myself out of that suffering however, I can hold my head high and say at no point in time was I the problem, it just didn't work out and that's okay. I have also realised how much influence my phone, social media and people have over my life. I started to leave my phone upstairs while I was doing my project and the need to go on it lessened, your phone is definitely an addiction and in previous past experiences, the desire to consume my phone was overwhelming to my body. Now, I do not need it. I was so upset with seeing size four model looking influencers glorifying the lockdown I started to become depressed because I was not applying to the social dominant ideologies but honestly, FUCK THAT. I now comprehend the importance of being in the conversation, listening to others and appreciating my time with people not being on my phone constantly. I watched a show on Netflix called ‘The Midnight Gospel’ which I highly recommend. In episode four, ‘Blinded By The End’ the main character is explaining the importance of listening and tells a story about how he was at a party talking to a man about synths and them both clearly not listening or being interested by one another's conversation. That next week, the man died in a car accident and the main character explained how he felt devastated that his final moments in life were wasted by that conversation. This really hit me, if you are with someone after this pandemic, absorb them, be in the moment with them and get off your phone. Men. This is such a running element in my love life and I do not think it will stop. My mind has been poisoned to believe that I constantly need a man in my life to fuel my need for attention and my confidence. I thought in this lockdown I would be devastated not to receive male attention but to be honest, I do not want it. Picture some scales, the disappointment of the actions I have experienced previously by the men I have been with majorly outweigh the need for love. I was sitting with my friends the other day and they were explaining their lockdown lovers, they each took it in turns to express their excitement towards their situation. The question came to me and I replied “I do not need a man to feel validated” this was not an attack on them, I just really don't. The validation needs to come from yourself and a man, well that's an added bonus. I never thought in my life I would feel comfortable without men but I have finally got to that point with just having fun being single and choosing to have a battle with love when I am ready for it. As this is such a weird time in our lives, we need to keep safe and look after one another. I can come out of this lockdown feeling mature, confident, with a degree and no man and that's okay with me. But until then, let's talk about it and keep talking to one another.  I previously wrote an article that explained my theory ‘The Beyonce Effect’ which centered around yourself and people you see as ‘god like figures’. One gloomy afternoon sat on the sofa with the house, the topic of conversation being relationships between sips of warm coffee saw the birth of ‘The Jay Z effect’.
The conversation between me, Chris and Beth stated ‘Jay Z cheated on Beyonce, BEYONCE! The queen and he’s underpar for her’ until you take a step back and take off those love goggles you have desperately been trying to keep on your face for this whole time, you will not see the situation for what it is. There's actually two beings, the one you are involved with and the actual person. Much like Jay Z being the other half of such a powerful famous couple and moreover, the world was shocked by Jay Z causing infidelity within his marriage. Lets dance with the gruesome truth shall we? You are not in love with them, you’re in love with their potential and the false promises they made you. You fabricate a perfect facade of this person based on what you dreamed them to be like, the false realities you created in your head, the false hope that's been planted into your very being. That's what you are disappointed in when it all ends, not them. Here's the horrifying reality, being ghosted after you have made endless amounts of effort, accepting what they recall as flaws and being a support system through their dark times is actually horrendous and such a sickening feeling to consume. The disappointment of a relationship falling flat is overwhelming, it consumes your whole body, emotions and thought process. This turns your heart cold. We have loved, liked and lost 100 hundred times but over the melancholic dark cloud that hangs over our heads the silver lining is discovering what type of person we require. For me, I think the thing that I suffer most is the self doubt that devours my entity, it swallows components of my confidence I have taken years to fabricate and I hate it. However, we can’t let that happen, we need to be the person we have elevated into and slay it. I am trying desperately to understand myself and taking a break from men is something I now need to do and this is completely okay to do! Beating yourself up and comparing yourself to people who are in relationships because you are not in one is not needed, at all. Just because a person has stopped loving or liking you doesn't mean your life stops. Let your body go through the emotions it requires and then return stronger than ever. Also the majority will come crawling back, watch that space.  When typing this I don't think I have words to express how downhearted I am that university is over. Yes, I still have deadlines to complete but the experience as an entity has been ripped away unexpectedly and it's devastating. I knew I would have to graduate and move on at some point down the line and I was building myself up to be emotionally ready for that impact. The fear of the unknown of this virus is terrifying and no one was expecting the influence it would contain over our lives. As much as I love my family, I haven't lived with them for three years so getting used to the family living atmosphere will be hard. I have evolved mentally and physically into the person I am today because I headed to university. More maturity, sass and tattoos and I came with an aim to leave being an allrounder and I achieved this in my career path and adult life. 1st year was intense, a lot of crying and going through the element of drunk that you would undertake when you are fifteen and drinking for the first time. However, I was eighteen and inexperienced. Stayed a lot around Caitlin's and ate her vegan cheese and trips down to the sidings for parties and hair cuts (Mum, lilly is not a qualified hairdresser. I lied to you, she just watched a youtube channel and uses blunt kitchen scissors). 2nd year contained additional comfort in terms of friends and experiences but I felt as though I elevated into adulthood with having to pay bills and trying not to get murdered by that porcelain doll in the attic. In terms of artistry, releasing my first single and going on tour with the lads was amazing and making a cooking video of a shit pie and laughing during the playback was memorable. I also comprehend my love for a glass (or bottle) of pinot. 3rd year even though it was cut short cemented to me that my future was and still is bright and that whatever happens, happens for a reason and just to focus on myself. Truly grateful to have captained netball and Bottle Match, getting that 100th goal made me so emotional, I was literally going to cry right then and there. I have loved every minute of university with all its ups and downs and would not change a second of it. To all my friends, I fucking love you all. This experience has been stunning because of all of you and I'm so grateful to everyone who has impacted my life. As I now sit on my bed and absorb the surroundings of my bare looking room, I am really going to miss this place, the people, venues and that kinder bueno shot. (I love you Joe). Goodbye for now Falmouth.  I do not think this is the time to create a facade of nervously emerging to dance and squeal at the top of my voice to hide my angst. I have to admit it now, I am scared. Scared for my future, scared that if I do not excel myself in all areas now and not say yes to every opportunity that comes my way that I will look back in later life and be disappointed by my actions. They say that university are the best years of your life and they have really been that for me, however, a cloud tainted with an melancholy feeling has slowly started to appear over my head and can not go unnoticed. Essentially you are saying goodbye to three years of comfort, three years of being in your own bubble, three years of the university mindset and soaring into the adult world fully. No parachute, just downward fast. You have to look forward and prepare and for this term, my module is setting me up to do this. A lovely woman with a vast duration of coloured scarves talks about our future income and how we are going to afford a house alongside being a musician and my head is screaming panic. Fleeing into the world with debt and a dream I describe it as the spongebob fire meme, the stress is real, we are all feeling it and some are taking to selling panties as an extreme to pay off some of this debt, it's all happening here. We will achieve this and get through it, but the fear of the unknown is stressful. Of course music is my passion and will continue this love into the future, but I also would love a house with a nice door and three toilets. For now, let's see how it goes, prepare and then excel.   I never thought the words ‘My sister is pregnant’ would grace my lips until she was in her late twenties but here I am at 21 years old and they have touched my lips. As a collective we were raised to always try our best in life predicament thrown at us and to grasp opportunities and future endeavors, my parents raised us to be what we should become. That has been stapled into my brain for as long as I could write, I want to be the daughter that they were proud to call and I still want to continue this. My sister has always been smarter than me, she can ace tests when I really had to revise for them to get the same result.
Since moving to university the relationship I have with my sister has changed and we were not as close as we were growing up. I can be honest here and say that when I found out, i thought my family were joking I told them down the phone to “Fuck off” and it only really sank in when Pap confirmed the news to me. This ended up with months of feeling disappointed about the life she could have endeavoured as for me going to university has opened so many doors and changed my life, I really wanted her to experience this while she was young. My opinions changed when I came back from university and saw the bump in person, I suddenly felt as though I needed to protect her and make sure she was okay. Her baby shower cemented to me that she is around constant love, support from both parties which I am so happy to witness and be apart of. Seeing her in labour was something I will never forget. One moment that stood out to me was when she was getting morphine, I told her to squeeze my hand to take the pain away but she refused and said “This really hurts and I do not want to hurt you so Henry will hold it” I wanted to cry, she was polite and selfless throughout my time with her in labour, I can not say for the rest of it (Sorry Mum and Henry) but for me she was. Seeing her after birth, I can never get my head around how calm she can be, makes us complete opposites, she was super chill and asked for toast?? Did not act like she had been in 24 hours of labour at all just lying there with a nine pound baby on her boobs completely calm. I asked dad where the placenta was and he mistakenly thought I said Prosecco which has defo cemented the drunk aunt turning up at parties i am going to be. I was scared that her having this baby, her boyfriend having his sisters as aunties would take our relationship away but now I believe her having Theo has made us even closer than before. At the end of the day, we are sisters by blood and always will be. I am immensely proud of how she has gone through this situation and has adapted to motherhood, she is literally so chill I do not understand it. She is everything I want to be and more and even though I feel the roles have changed and she has grown I will always be her big sister and support her in every way I can, even if that means changing a nappy or two.  Years and years of emotional strain and constant comparison between me and others has lead me to this point in my life where its just second nature for me to stand in spoons and judge myself on juxtaposition to the actions of others and I now am ready to ask myself why I do this?
See, this practice I do is crafted from a theory Richard Dyer wrote about, the Star Theory ‘The construction of identity as god like figures’ . We create such a facade around people we don't know, they suddenly become the ‘Beyonces’ in our own lives. We look up to them for influence and somehow want to obtain a similar personality, looks and want them to befriend us. If they do this, we are in hopes that they accept us for who we are so we can take comfort in our own insecurities and be an unstoppable force. I will put my hand up and say I have done this but it's suddenly dawned on me when I stood in a room full of my own Beyonce’s that they are like every single one of us. They have insecurities that shape them, so why does this encourage to shape ourselves? Everyone is so self absorbed and care about their entire entity, they forget acceptance, they forget that standing on the dance floor on a saturday night comparing themselves to one another is bad for them, they forget that they are who they are for a reason. I said this to my two therapists (big up Mary and Sarah) the thing with the Beyonce effect is that it’s always going to be there throughout our lives. Your ‘Beyonce’ could be Sandra your college in accounts who has two kids, a perfect detached house, drives an Audi TT but the reality is that Sandra’s husband is cheating on her. Your ‘Beyonce’ could be Matt from the Gym who has raging biceps, a six pack, perfect hair and somehow is able to get all the girls but in reality Matt can not fill the void of loneliness he experiences late at night after his tinder girls leave him. Your ‘Beyonce’ could even be your best friend who constantly throughout the years has compared your successes to theirs and wants to strip you down because they feel as though what they do will always be better when in reality, we are all on different journeys and if they are doing that then bin them sis. What I am trying to express is that they will always be there but the power of understanding your worth, your time and your value overpowers any Beyonce that stands in your way. Do you. Until you take yourself out of that fixated realm of ‘Beyonce Effect World’ it is difficult not to fall into that trap and it will take time, it’s taken me years to master. But I now go into clubs and accept me for me, I accept that yes she might be good looking but so am I, I have a good time and let fate take its course. Whatever happens, happens for a reason and you craft your own identity and life. You got this! Fuck your Beyonces (but not actual Beyonce, she is queen). |
Personal AttachmentThese personal blogs allowed me to enhance my writing technique of descriptive writing which I could then marry with my critical writing approach to make my articles. Archives
August 2020
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